Faculty of Law & Order Feline Division
The Faculty of Law & Order is where cats learn how to win arguments they started, enforce rules they invented five minutes ago, and successfully sue humans for being three minutes late with dinner.
Students begin their journey with Foundations of Law: Rules, Authority, and the Art of Being Correct, a groundbreaking text that teaches future legal scholars that confidence is often more important than evidence.
They then advance to Evidence & Proof: Innocence, Denial, and Strategic Distraction, where students master the ancient legal defense of “It wasn’t me, and if it was me, you can’t prove it.”
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Law & Order, with Master’s and PhD programs under review by a committee of senior cats who have delayed the decision for the seventh consecutive semester.
Upon graduation, students may serve as jury members, household judges, and certified critics of your daily performance.
Faculty Motto: “Guilty Until Proven Adorable.”
Faculty of Management Feline Division
The Faculty of Management prepares the next generation of feline executives, visionaries, and household CEOs. Here, cats learn the essential skills required to delegate all responsibilities while maintaining full authority over everyone in the organization (also known as your home).
Students begin with Foundations of Management: Strategic Business Administration for Feline Executives, where they learn leadership principles, resource allocation, and the art of taking credit for work completed by others.
They then advance to Strategic Planning for Doing Nothing and Ruling Everything, the faculty’s flagship text, teaching students how to spend 18 hours a day napping while somehow remaining in complete charge.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Management, with Master’s and PhD programs expected once the faculty board finishes its quarterly nap and approves the budget for extra treats.
Upon graduation, students are qualified to become CEOs, senior managers, strategic consultants, and household supervisors.
Faculty Motto: “Why do the work when you can manage the humans who do?”
Faculty of Engineering Feline Division
The Faculty of Engineering is where cats transform curiosity, chaos, and questionable decisions into a respected academic discipline.
Students begin with Foundations of Engineering: Understanding Force, Balance, Leverage, and Why Gravity Is a Suggestion, a cornerstone text exploring how to reach impossible places and survive jumps that concern everyone watching.
They then progress to Control Systems: Delay, Then Dominate, the faculty’s most influential work, teaching students the science of ignoring a situation until the last possible moment before taking complete control of it.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Engineering, while Master’s and PhD programs are under development by researchers investigating whether knocking objects off tables counts as applied physics.
Upon graduation, students are qualified to become Structural Inspectors, Systems Engineers, Gravity Testing Specialists, and Household Infrastructure Consultants.
Faculty Motto: “If physics disagrees with the cat, physics should reconsider its position.”
Faculty of Human Influence Feline Division
The Faculty of Human Influence is one of PAWS UNI-FUR-SITY’s most respected and strategically important faculties. Here, students master the science of controlling humans without humans ever realizing they’re being controlled.
The program begins with The Empty Bowl Illusion: Convincing Human Parents They Forgot (Again), a foundational text teaching students how to stare at a half-full bowl until a human becomes convinced they have neglected their pet for days.
Students then advance to Advanced Meow Tactics: From Polite Request to Dramatic Performance, learning a complete range of persuasion techniques, from gentle meows and innocent looks to full-scale emotional manipulation at 3:17 a.m.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Human Influence, while Master’s and PhD programs are pending approval from a committee of cats who have already convinced the administration to provide extra snacks.
Upon graduation, students are qualified to become Human Behavior Consultants, Treat Acquisition Specialists, Emotional Negotiators, and Senior Directors of Household Operations.
Faculty Motto: “The human thinks they’re in charge. Let them have that.”
Faculty of Advanced Barkonomics Canine Division
The Faculty of Advanced Barkonomics is PAWS UNI-FUR-SITY’s most prestigious, competitive, and financially influential faculty. Admission is notoriously difficult, with thousands of applicants competing each year for a limited number of spots and an unlimited number of snacks.
Students begin with The Gold-Bone Standard: Why Treats Replaced the Dollar in the Global Doggy Economy, where they learn the fundamentals of wealth creation, treat inflation, and why a single premium bacon treat can outperform most traditional investments.
They then advance to Bark Street Bets: Inside the Wild World of Snack Markets & Bone Futures, a challenging text that explores high-risk snack trading and the consequences of burying assets in random locations and forgetting where they are.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Advanced Barkonomics, while Master’s and PhD programs are being funded by alumni who got rich investing early in the chew-toy market.
Upon graduation, students become Investment Bankers, Hedge Fund Managers, Economic Advisors, and Chief Treat Officers.
Faculty Motto: “Buy Low. Bury High. Forget Where. Repeat.”
Faculty of Cat Awareness, Patience & Self-Control Recommended for Dogs Living with Cats
This faculty is specifically designed for dogs who share a home with cats and are still trying to understand what they did wrong. Students learn essential survival skills, including respecting invisible boundaries, surrendering desirable sleeping locations, and accepting responsibility for incidents they did not cause.
Core textbooks include Why Does It Hate Me? A Dog’s Tragic Introduction to Cats and I Followed All the Rules and the Cat Still Won, two landmark works in the field of feline diplomacy and emotional resilience.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Cat Awareness, Patience & Self-Control, while Master’s and PhD programs are being delayed because every proposed curriculum must first be approved by a cat, who has shown little interest in responding.
Upon graduation, students are equipped to navigate daily life with cats, interpret feline moods, and survive the phrase “the cat was here first” without having a complete emotional breakdown.
Faculty Motto: “Living with Cats Is Not a Choice. It’s a Curriculum.”
Faculty of Destruction Engineering Canine Division
The Faculty of Destruction Engineering is one of PAWS UNI-FUR-SITY’s most hands-on programs. Dedicated to innovation, experimentation, and complete household chaos, this faculty teaches dogs how to identify weaknesses in furniture, electronics, footwear, and human patience.
Students begin with I Sniffed the Wires and Now Nothing Works, an introductory text exploring the relationship between curiosity and expensive repair bills.
They then advance to If Not Chewable, Why Chew-Shaped? Structural Engineering Questions Every Dog Must Ask, a groundbreaking work that challenges conventional thinking about shoes, remote controls, and table legs.
Currently, the faculty offers a BA in Destruction Engineering, while Master’s and PhD programs remain under reconstruction following an unfortunate laboratory incident involving a tennis ball, a sofa, and a ceiling fan.
Upon graduation, students are qualified to become Structural Stress Testers, Toy Demolition Specialists, Furniture Research Engineers, and Chief Officers of Unplanned Renovation.
Faculty Motto: “If Not Chewable, Why Chew-Shaped?”
Faculty of Security & Criminal Justice Canine Division
The Faculty of Security & Criminal Justice is dedicated to protecting households, investigating suspicious activity, and ensuring that justice is served — especially when the cat is involved.
Students begin with Justice System 101: Who Did This and Why Is It the Cat? an introductory text covering criminal investigations, evidence collection, and the principle that if something fell off a table, the cat should at least be questioned.
They then study Security Operations: If You’re Innocent, Why Are You Running? where future security professionals learn surveillance techniques, perimeter patrol, and the importance of barking first and asking questions later.
Finally, students tackle Cold Wars & Warm Couches: Territorial Disputes at Home, a challenging course examining household conflicts and the complex geopolitical relationship between cats and dogs.
Upon graduation, students become Security Officers, Criminal Investigators, Neighborhood Watch Commanders, and Domestic Peacekeepers.
Faculty Motto: “Trust Everyone. Investigate the Cat.”
